Thinking Out Loud....

I'm not sure who all knows about my niece Emily. She is everything to me. I think about her all the time, but for some reason I was thinking about her more than usual tonight (probably because I was at Fry's, all by myself, with NO kids--I actually had a moment to hear myself think). Anyhow, Emily is my sister's first born. She was born only 7 weeks after Kaylee. Unfortunatly her life on this earth was very short-lived. My sister (Leah) had gone to wake her from a nap and she was purple. Leah started CPR right away, but it was too late, Emily was already in heaven at only 4 days old.

Kaylee & Emily

There are a lot of things that make this situation difficult--the obvious, not being able to watch my niece grow up and my only sister raise her fisrt-born. But then all the "whys & whats": Why was she only given 4 days on this earth? What was her purpose? What caused her to die?

We were told that she basically died of SIDS (meaning they had NO answers to give us). No one in my family buys the SIDS theory. Without going into too much detail, we have our own reason to believe she perhaps died from Meningitis. I, personally, pleaded with the ME (Medical Examiner) to test her blood samples for Meningitis, but they had there own agenda (which was to make sure they could find no evidence suggesting my sister did anything harmful to the baby). Honestly, unless one has $$$ to take those suckers to court, then it's totally just a huge joke. So, we have no closure, and I don't think we ever will...very difficult to grasp.

Anyway, there were 4 grandchildren born to my parents that year (2006). My nephew Shea (May), Kaylee (Aug), Emily (Sept) and lastly came Brian (Nov). I can only imagine what gatherings would be like if Kaylee had Miss Emmy (Emily) to run around with and be "partners in crime" with. It SUCKS. They were only SEVEN weeks apart. They were supposed to be playmates and buddies. They were supposed to grow up together.

Shea, Kaylee & Brian Last summer (2008)

My sister and I have grown super close to one another. We weren't always close, infact, we struggled to even look at one-another growing up. But now I look at her as a friend, a best friend. We go out to lunch at least once a week and talk as we let our kids play. But it seems so unfair that Emily isn't there.

This is the strangest thing. Really kind of a blessing in my eyes. Alyssa was born almost 5 months ago. For about the first 3 weeks of her life I'd just stare at her face wondering why it looked sooooo familiar. She really didn't look much like my other babies, her nose was very different. I just couldn't figure it out though. Then one day as I was sitting with her in the living room, it hit me...she TOTALLY resembled Emily. It was awesome!!!

Alyssa

Emily





I often look at her and wonder if Emily would have looked like her at the various ages. My sister believes she would have, I'd have to agree.

I know I am just rambling on. My thoughts aren't always very clear, but...I am honestly okay. I am just missing my little angel tonight. I love that girl so much! Unfortunately alot of the time it just seems so surreal...like it never even happened. You know, I'm one who likes to think "that will never happen to me." And though I have never lost my own child, I lost a very special family member and it just doesn't seem like something that horrific could happen to my sister, nor the rest of our family who are deeply devestated by this tragedy.

But, I guess it'd be good for me to end this post on a good note...AMBER!!! My sister gave birth to her second daughter last December. She's our little monkey...so cute and smart.

Here's a pic of little Ambee: